could be written consisting entirely of jokes"
Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and harass her, saying "Lady, why do you pray all the time? Don't you know there is no God?" But she kept on praying.
One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He was gonna do. As usual, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself, "Humph! I'll fix her."
He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the front porch, rang the door bell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would do. When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and shouting everywhere! The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, "You ol' crazy lady, God didn't buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!" At hearing this, she broke out and started running down the street, shouting and praising the Lord.
When he finally caught her, he asked what her problem was. She said, "I knew the Lord would provide me with some groceries, but I didn't know he was gonna make the devil pay for them!"
The atheist looked up and said: Well, ten seconds ago I didnt believe in the Loch Ness Monster either!
"It's a miracle!" gasped the crowd. And the executioner had to agree, letting the rabbi go.
Next in line was the priest. Asked for his final words, he declared, "I believe in Jesus Christ the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost who will rescue me in my hour of need." The executioner then positioned this man beneath the blade. And he pulled the cord. Again the blade flew downward thump! creak! ...stopping just short of its mark once more.
"Another miracle!" sighed the disappointed crowd. And the executioner for the second time had no choice but to let the condemned go free.
Now it was the skeptic's turn. "What final words have you to say?" he was asked. But the skeptic didn't hear. Staring intently at the ominous engine of death, he seemed lost. Not until the executioner poked him in the ribs and the question was asked again did he reply.
"Oh, I see your problem," the skeptic said pointing. "You've got a blockage in the gear assembly, right there!"
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar." he replies.
"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
"Well, there's so much to live for." "Like what?" "Well, are you religious?" He said yes. I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist." "Wow, me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God." "Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1789 or Reformed Baptist Church of God, 1915?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."
I said, "Die, heretic scum!!" And pushed him off the bridge.
As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him. The atheist cried..."GOD DAMN!..."
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from the sky.
"YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. NOW, YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU AND DAMN THIS BEAR? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A CHRISTIAN?"
The atheist looked directly into the light and said, "Why don't you try and make the bear a Christian?"
"VERY WELL," said the voice. The light went out. The river ran. The sounds of the forest resumed. ... and the bear dropped down to his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive."
Buddhism - If shit happens, it's not really shit.
Islam - If shit happens, it's the will of Allah.
Protestantism - Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Judaism - Why does this shit always happen to us?
Hinduism - This shit happened before.
Catholicism - Shit happens because you're bad.
Hare Krishna - Shit happens rama rama.
T.V. Evangelism - Send more shit.
Atheism - No shit.
Jehova's Witness - Knock knock, shit happens.
Hedonism - There's nothing like a good shit happening.
Christian Science - Shit happens in your mind.
Agnosticism - Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
Rastafarianism - Let's smoke this shit.
Existentialism - What is shit anyway?
Stoicism - This shit doesn't bother me.
There was complete silence for about a minute. As the Reverend smiled with satisfaction that he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh. "All right," he said, "give him the dog."
A.She wanted to see if it was designed intelligently enough to evolve into a bird.
Atheist: Very funny. I can’t eat this. Take it back.
Waiter: You see? The fly’s prayers were answered.
A.You find a copy of The God Delusion hidden in the cream cheese.
A. Because they BELIEVE they are idiots!
The barman turned to serve him and said,
"Drinking alone again I see..."
Joke 44 - Church and garage
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.
Joke 45 - Last words of Jesus
Jesus is on the cross. Mary and Peter are at the foot of the cross, when Jesus looks down, and says, "Peter...I aigfisrianbjna..." Mary turns to Peter, and says, "Peter, we must have the Lord's last words!"
So, Peter climbs up and is at Jesus' feet, and asks him to repeat what he just said.
Jesus mumbles, "Peter...I mwamwamha..." Frustrated, Peter climbs higher to Jesus's chest, and again ask Jesus to repeat what he said. Again, Jesus tries to speak, "Peter, I mwamwawmwam...."
Peter, intent on having Jesus' last words for posterity, climbs all the way up, and presses his ear against Jesus' mouth, and says, "Please, our Lord and savior, tell me again what you are trying to say!"
Jesus leans in, his lips on Peter's ear, and whispers, "Peter, I can see your house from here."
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